Chocolate, tears, and gratitude

My kids have packed themselves half full of the stuff for breakfast after a pretty elaborate Easter egg clue trail (thanks Chat GPT – you really do come into your own at times!)

So as well as Easter, it’s been my birthday too. And chocolate, tears and gratitude seem to have been the key ingredients for said birthday recipe this year.

The big day actually fell on Good Friday. Can’t remember that having happened before but I don’t doubt it must have? (Couldn’t help myself, I asked my mate Chat GPT again and it confirmed it last happened in 2003 – there’s no wonder I don’t remember – that was in the full throttle party years.)

I digress…

So YES – Good Friday was my birthday and what a very good Friday it was too.

They are a funny old thing, birthdays, aren’t they?

I’ve just turned 46. It always surprises me. It would surprise me if you told me I was 36. All so rapid, and I’m yet to feel like an actual grown up. Anyway…

I’m not that bothered about celebrating birthdays in a big way – it’s rare I organise much. I do however very much celebrate getting to 46. I think it’s a real privilege, one sadly not everybody is afforded. And despite not wanting a fanfare, I do so enjoy seeing people I love on the day itself – to share it with me, because that makes me feel happy.

I’m just not really big on the whole commotion of inviting people to do a big thing because it’s my birthday. I’ve never really felt comfortable organising big things just for me – however, a smaller thing surrounded by people that I love, I really, really enjoy.

I guess it’s that not wanting to be the whole centre of attention thing. I’d rather it just be everyone in a space together sharing the joy of just that – and that feels just gorgeous to me. I feel it in my system very much.

I’m far from shy, but I much more enjoy being in the hubbub of people than being the primary focus. Too much pressure to be in great form, and I like to be able to choose to slide in and out of connection at a level I feel comfortable at all times. More so as I get older. And one of the gifts getting older brings with it, I think, is an almost self-provided permission slip to go with how you feel and act accordingly at any point in time – because that feels good for you.

It’s a real blessing of age that isn’t it?

All that said, I may not want to have a big party celebrating myself, but I did wake up to a message on my birthday from six of my very, very best friends in the world, who had clubbed together to get me a pamper voucher with a friend who owns a very chilled and gorgeous hair & beauty salon. She’s a treat to spend time with too, and the best of the best – big up to Julia Knight and the team at Flock – Sale – Greater Manchester!

I didn’t realise just how much I must have been holding onto emotionally recently, until I opened that WhatsApp message from them, and felt the love pour in. I wasn’t expecting a gift for a start, and I don’t need gifts (delighted with it though). But what I did need, apparently, was to feel that love – to feel that collective care from the people who I know love me dearly by choice – and it made me cry. A real release and somehow relief I didn’t realise I needed. But my body showed me otherwise. And it felt/feels so good. Thanks gals.

I feel so very grateful to have so much love in my life; to be loved by so many, and to love so many.

I recognise I enjoy a much smaller circle the older I’ve got, and I think the circle I surround myself with now are people I feel so very comfortable with, so very me, so very safe. Yes. That’s definitely it. I’m a massive fan of low maintenance, no pressure, unconditional, solid, secure relationships.

The kind that makes you feel safe in your bones. Your nervous system at ease.

Think the feeling of clean cotton bedsheets on a hair-free, moisturised leg, or a brand new cushioned sock on a freshly pedicured foot. That level of aaaahhhh ease in your body.

But it’s definitely taken some time to get to this place.

To feeling this safe in myself. To really refining and carving out my very trusted circle, and more importantly, trusting myself inside and going with those feelings – always.

This is definitely something that’s changed slowly over time.

Certainly when I was younger, and a long way into adulthood – in fact probably not so long ago – I was really bothered if people didn’t like me. Even if I wasn’t particularly keen on them! If a relationship wasn’t working – a friend or somebody I’d met, or somebody I’d known for years that I now somehow felt uncomfortable with, I felt like I had to do something to put that right. Usually at a cost to my own comfort without being really conscious of that.

Not realising or acknowledging, that people change, things shift, where you feel comfortable, your views, your priorities – everything changes and it’s fluid and it flows as life goes on.

I guess I’m only just really realising how natural it is for things to change… Like everything, like nature, like the seasons, the landscape – it’s evolution. Growth. Expansion.

It’s constantly learning and refining, your outward relationships absolutely, but more and most importantly – the relationship you have with yourself.

And that relationship you have with yourself is 100% the most beautiful thing to cultivate.

Because once you form that relationship with yourself – that real, solid base, that knowing you’re always there for you – you really like the person you are, and live authentically in this truth as much as you possibly can, there’s nothing that can touch you.

You radiate an energy from the inside out that is magnetic to those who match your energy, people on the same wavelength – you attract your tribe!

And life flows in a way that feels so good.

Yes, you still feel hurt.

Yes, you still have hard times.

Yes, you will constantly have to keep tuning in and working with yourself to evolve inwardly and outwardly…

…but it really is the most special and most important relationship there can ever be.

As Cleo Sol so beautifully sings:

“You’re only here to love and to be free.”

And as you cultivate that relationship with yourself, your true relationships get stronger and stronger.

And those that don’t make you feel safe?

They fall away.

And you accept that that too is okay.

You don’t have to keep on fighting.

And one day – who knows – you may shift again and those relationships flow back into your life.

One never knows.

But certainly, what I felt on my birthday this year was so much love from the people who matter most to me in this world.

And the loveliest bit I recognised?

The real joy in life never comes from big flashy plans or expensive things… but from feeling real, deep care and love.

Neither child bought me a birthday present – and I couldn’t be more delighted.

Both made me a handmade card, which meant more to me than any shop present ever could.

My brother and my mum both gave me the gift of time (and my mum a beautiful bunch of flowers – fresh flowers and plants make me SO happy – aliveness in your home – YES PLEASE) – and my brother stuck a fiver in a card for a laugh, which was very funny!

They both said they are individually taking me out for dinner so we get 1:1 time together. And it doesn’t matter where we go. It isn’t about a flash restaurant. It was about saying: “I want to spend time with you, so that is what your gift is – when you’re ready.”

How special is that?

I guess what I’m trying to highlight, maybe on repeat, is that this deep ease and fulfilment really comes down to cultivating a solid relationship with yourself – and that ripple effect that it takes into every single area of your life when you do.

And a massive part of that real work for me came when I really learnt about my own nervous system.

Because what we’re doing in the nervous system is no longer listening to that busy brain with all its negative viewpoints and ‘what if’ chatter… we are tuning into the felt sensations in our bodies.

That’s the very truth.

The mind bends things – but your body never lies.

Sensations in the body cannot be mistaken or misconstrued. They are the very fabric that create our whole experience of life.

I think it’s magical.

And it’s something we have complete power to work with.

How genuinely empowering is that?

Before you move on and get on with your evening, take a minute to really reflect on what I’ve shared above in the context of your own life. Just pause – think about YOU.

And if you’re ready to make this next chapter one you can truly feel in your body too – take a look in the footer below. There are a tonne of ways I can support you.

Have a glorious week, you absolutely wonderful bunch.