You tools for self-regulation

Let me set a quick scene…

Since we got back from Italy, and with the kids still on school holidays, life’s a bit like a logistical game show—think Challenge Anneka but with fewer jumpsuits and helicopters. Oh and nobody has mentioned any prizes?

Rich and I are both self-employed and deeply passionate about the work we do. Balancing family time, personal time, and work time is really important, so we get creative with our schedules and book it all in to make sure we’re covering all bases. Friday was clearly marked on the shared calendar as ‘Shears family day’.

In my head, I’d already put too much pressure on this day… Think Enid Blyton: everyone happily sitting side-angled on a beautifully laid picnic rug, eating crust free cucumber sandwiches in the fresh clean sunny air of summer, and having a positive hoot! Okay, so I don’t eat wheat and I live in Chorlton, which isn’t exactly scenic countryside, but you get the picture

Anyway, to start this ‘perfect’ day, I planned for us to have breakfast out. (Truth here, our wonderful cleaners come on a Friday so it’s easier to get out. This day they’d arrived before we were all even dressed which meant mega stress trying to get out of their way and let them do their BRILLIANT job whilst not being caught half naked streaking across my own landing).

Twenty minutes later we were all hot footing it through Chorlton to a nearby café where they serve Oreo pancakes, and real food for me and Rich. The kids were delighted. This meant by 9.30am we’d already had some outdoors, a bit of movement, time as a family together and neither me nor Rich had to prepare or clear anything. Massive ticks.

However… The kids weren’t in great moods (okay, maybe it was me that was in a bad mood—hormones and real life shiz is no joke at this time of life hey). The teen was grumpy because the younger one was apparently far too near, kicking his leg against the bench… breathing. The smaller one was hungry, complaining the food was taking too long, sliding repeatedly down his chair like someone had removed his bones.

On the outside, I tried to stay calm to maintain some level of patience, speaking softly and trying to negotiate in a way that would not fuel any fires. But on the inside, a little fire of my own was brewing. Yes, I tried to keep the peace with words, but quickly realised that at this stage in the game, trying to control anything outside of me was completely futile.

In that moment of frustration, with both children and the tension at the table palpable, I decided to simply close my eyes, block out the world, and go inside. Taking steady breaths in through my nose and delighting in finding that calm, quiet, friendly space that’s always waiting inside of me.

(Sidenote: They also know exactly what I’m doing when I close my eyes, and to leave me alone. How valuable would it have been to see our parents do this when we were kids?).

Ten breaths later, the external world was the same, but I was calm. I didn’t feel anxious or overwhelmed. Instead, I felt proud of myself and in control.

Irritated by them still, of course, but calm. Just in time to be saved by the arrival of the pancakes a few moments later. 😉

Over the years, since the years of anxiety and panic attacks, I’ve now learned how to regulate myself. It feels wonderful, and that’s something I want to pass on to you.

So, onto the tools section!

First, let’s understand why we need to regulate ourselves…

Think about it, our bodies are always striving for balance - in all areas of our life. If we are working hard we want more time to play/relax, if we are too hot, we find ways to cool down, if we are feeling drained of energy we find ways to energise ourselves, and if we are anxious, ways to calm down… This balance is essential for our survival. It allows us to respond to our environment in a way that keeps us safe and healthy. When we’re out of balance, be it emotionally, mentally, or physically, our body’s natural response is to try and bring us back to a state of equilibrium.

So when we are emotionally out of whack, self-regulation is the one!

Here are some really practical tools for self-regulation, just for you, sent with love from me:

Cuddling: Physical touch releases oxytocin, the “love hormone,” which can calm your nervous system. For the full calming effect, aim for at least 20 seconds. If you can, go heart to heart, this connection can amplify the benefits by syncing your heartbeats and deepening that sense of calm.

Closing Your Eyes and Breathing Intentionally Into Your Tummy: Just a few deep breaths, no forcing it, just whatever feels right and nourishing for you. Try breathing in through your nose for 4 counts and out through your mouth for 6. Adjust the timing to make it feel good for YOU. Repeat as many times as you wish. This will activate your wonderfully calming parasympathetic nervous system. Any time. Anywhere.

Visualising: Picture a place, memory, or person that brings you peace. Feel into it, the inner emotions, the smells, the sights… Your brain can’t distinguish between thoughts and reality, so you’re literally putting yourself in that place as far as it’s concerned. This really helps shift your mental weather.

Gentle Affirmations: Repeat calming phrases to yourself and really feel into them. A few suggestions: “I am in control; this is just a cloud passing by,” “I am calm and safe in my own body,” “I am strong, powerful, and capable of anything I put my mind to.”

Walking Barefoot on Grass: The idea behind grounding, or "earthing," is that the Earth has a natural, subtle electric charge that’s rich in electrons. When you walk barefoot on grass or make direct contact with the Earth, your body can absorb these electrons, which helps neutralise free radicals (damaging molecules), reducing inflammation, and contributing to your overall balance and well-being.

(I don’t make time for this in my day YET. It’s next on my list of practices to integrate because I see the massive benefits of it —I’m excited to get started and see how I can weave it in to a day that already feels full (side note - I find time to scroll the internet, so I defo have time to ground!))

Rooting/Standing Still: Stand with your feet firmly on the ground and imagine roots growing into the earth. This mental visualisation strengthens the mind-body connection, helping you feel more stable, centred, and grounded in the present moment. It’s a quick, powerful way to reduce anxiety and bring your focus back to the here and now (which, after all, is all that really exists).

Before I sign off, just zoom out for a min and have a think about the bigger picture... Life will continue to happen, challenges will always come up, there is no “when I get ‘there’ life will be zen forever” point in time.

You can’t control the external world, and you’ll never be able to foresee the unexpected. But what you can control is how you respond. By learning to self-regulate, you take control of your internal world, and allow yourself to respond from a place of rational thinking and calm. It's really powerful stuff.

Let me know how you get on. Really, please do by replying to this email.

If you haven't downloaded the free 30 days of life changing gratitude you can grab it by clicking here. (More affirmations in there for you too)

Make it a brill week.